Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Asmodemon

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 12
Here we go with the first chapter of the story.

Reading Excuses / Re: July 25 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14
« on: August 19, 2011, 04:34:56 PM »
Short chapter this time and pretty good.

So Hex is an octopus metsi. I’m trying to figure out how that might work in terms of becoming invisible. I can see him shooting ink and in the water a cloud of ink will make him hard to see, but true invisibility is something different. How does his power work?

As a character Hex was fine, but I felt his reasoning didn’t quite add up. For instance, he’s taking Jhuz to the Nothroi so they can kill him, but he won’t leave him in the wilderness for animals to find because it comes too close to killing him. That makes no sense, it’s actually the opposite as Jhuz has more chances to escape if he were left in the wild.

The contract should also have been considered void if he was contracted to kill someone already dead. He shouldn’t have to find another target to kill simply to make up for the one he couldn’t kill. And there are more ways to sow chaos than to convolutedly kidnap the enemy commander, take him back to the enemy camp, and let the enemy kill them. Assassins are efficient killers if they want to remain undetected (and stay alive to take on more contracts) and this is not efficient.

I’d change the word ‘poisoned’ to drugged or tainted or something to that effect, simply because when I read poison I expect something more lasting than a knockout.

Speaking of the knockout, Jhuz woke up after being hit in the head with a chair without obvious head trauma, which means he suffered a mild head injury. With a mild head injury he would be unconscious for about a maximum of thirty minutes. I had the feeling that he was unconscious longer than that, since Hex had to escape camp, get to a river (was the river nearby? I can’t remember), get on his boat and travel for a ways, since the camp in nowhere near anymore.   

Reading Excuses / Re: July 11 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch13
« on: August 19, 2011, 04:23:03 PM »
Ah, all right, that does clear it up. Carry on :)

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 19, 2011, 09:03:27 AM »
If there are still openings I'd like to submit too.

Reading Excuses / Re: July 11 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch13
« on: August 18, 2011, 04:01:18 PM »
I liked parts of the chapter well enough, such as that Jhuz and Lexio finally confront each other, but there are a number of things I did have problems with.

I don’t like explanations about what a character can or can’t do very much, I want to see Ezlio get tired if he uses his quills as projectiles, I want to see him have trouble with deflections or have  foes hit him where the quills are ‘less real’. You telling me this just doesn’t have the same impact as coming to realize as a reader that Ezlio can’t use projectiles during a fight since it’ll wear him out.

I had mostly forgotten about the Jackal, the fears that he’s a turncoat were important at the start of the story but in the recent events he hardly had a role, except one in passing when Jhuz took command, but only in passing.

In the segment with Lexio he’s explaining his metsi powers. That’s twice in once chapter now, you’re more telling us what metsi are and what they can do rather than show us. Also the metsi are far too free in explaining just how their abilities work, removing any tactical advantage they might have by keeping their power secret. Lexio and Jhuz don’t like each other, it doesn’t make sense for Lexio to spill the beans like that. To explain how he knew Manto was dead he could say that his metsi allowed him to tell, but he doesn’t need to tell them he can detect personal flaws in people. It’s more tactically sound for him not to reveal that ability at this time.

It also makes me wonder about what they taught Jhuz at the Academy; it’s not weaponry, it’s not engineering, and apparently nothing about metsi either. What good is an academically trained officer who doesn’t know the abilities of his special forces?

Ah, so Lexio used to be a raider and thus an enemy of the army. I can see where the distrust comes from now – I’d like to have known about this sooner, since before this reveal the whole distrust against Lexio seemed completely unfounded and strange in the same way that everyone derided Jhuz at the start of the story but it was actually under orders.

This sensing weakness ability seems very powerful, why wasn’t he present more at the strategy meetings before Jhuz got in power?  Such an ability is too valuable to waste on leading a single company.

Cliffhanger at the end wasn’t as effectual as it could be. The chair already got mentioned by others, an invisible opponent has better means available than a chair. Jhuz is already on guard, the moment the chair was lifted he should’ve/could’ve shouted for help and that’s not something an assassin wants. Stealing your target’s breakfast and messing up his tent also isn’t a good way to remain undetected. An assassin would probably have silently killed Jhuz in his tent, then rummaged through his stuff to get what he needed  while no one was the wiser.

I also saw your comment that you’ve still got two POV characters to introduce. To do that so late in the game when we’ve read all this stuff about Jhuz is risky. There are authors who do this well, such as Steven Erikson who can have you read 200 pages about one character than switch to completely different ones for hundreds of pages, but it’s not an easy thing to achieve so be careful there.

Reading Excuses / Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
« on: August 18, 2011, 01:59:06 PM »
Don’t have much to comment on this chapter, I liked the feast with the Legion’s commanders/officers in terms of banter. Unlike when Rince was introduced, which I thought was an odd way for a minor officer to behave with his superiors, this time he really fit right in. The celebratory mood helps a lot to break down normal barriers. When he was introduced everyone was more on edge, so that’s why that moment felt off.

It feels like Jhuz, as a metsi and the army Standard (before he took command) should know more about the different metsi. I can understand how he wouldn’t know about the obscure metsi, such as Rince the fox, since there is only one fox in the army. But the herd are the largest group of metsi and the core of the army, so logically he should be aware of what they suffer from. He went to the academy right? He studied all the major battles. Herd metsi should be familiar. Now it could be he didn’t think of it, but a simple reminder from Ezlio should make him recall the Herd’s problems.

I didn’t quite get the comment “I just want to know how you survived. If it’s something we can teach to the men...”. Jhuz got lucky in that his head wasn’t ripped off or his neck broken; he was fortunate that Ezlio was there to stab the Chell to death after Jhuz hit him in the stomach. All they can teach is to walk in pairs and don’t let your head get ripped off.

I was surprised by Jhuz’s and the Academy’s disdain of weapons and engineering. It seems to me that soldiers would be more accepting of better weapons, especially the regulars who don’t have special powers to rely on. But here it seems like every technological advancement is rejected out of hand, at least before Jhuz got command. This makes no sense unless the civilisations are deliberately kept ignorant, which might be the case since the Chell have all those rules, including warfare and what’s allowed.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 11
« on: August 17, 2011, 04:15:51 PM »
I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said, the telling of the battle bothered me a bit when we get to the ordered retreat and the Herd. At that moment I lost all feeling of tension, when you say things like “In other words, the Northroi had a better chance of breaking the Herd’s shields and sword than they did of breaking the line” I know who’s going to win and then it happens too; there is no tension which should be there when the Legion is being charged, even if the Legion wants the enemy to charge there is always the possibility the plan will backfire and there will be trouble. This scene had none of that.

It gets a lot better when the Chell shows up and Jhuz finally, finally, starts acting like an officer. The rest of the chapter was great, Jhuz stops being passive and gives orders which draws me closer to the action and makes me feel the battle.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 10
« on: August 17, 2011, 02:52:35 PM »
There was a lot of ‘were starting’, ‘were subsiding’, ‘was walking’, ‘was taking’, etc, through the chapter. It took the pace of the piece down and there wasn’t a lot of it to begin with as the chapter is mostly setup for the coming battle.

I didn’t really understand the interaction between Jhuz, Ezlio and Rince. It all comes back to discipline, which I’ve harped about before. Rince is a minor officer, he takes a great risk by doing something offensive, even a joke; Jhuz is a superior officer and can reprimand him, it’s well within his rights. Pissing off, or risking pissing off, your superiors is by and large not a good idea. The fact that Jhuz worries about offending the troops by taking measures against a minor officer who is doing wrong tells me discipline is far to be found. I expect this army to break when it gets into a fight. Aside from Jhuz’s behaviour I also don’t buy into Rince’s, since I don’t think it’s likely that lower ranking officers are so easily invited to sit with the higher ranks, or even approach them, especially when they’ve had no prior contact.

I’m having trouble with Rince’s power. The effects of the other metsi such as how the birds can fly, the porcupine can create spikes, bee metsi use their sting, etc, are all based on the animals. The the plant metsi use the aspects of the plants to create an effect, like Ela who listens through plants. Changing or redirecting emotions is not a power a real fox possesses, even though foxes in mythologies (such as kitsune) are portrayed as tricksters it’s not a physical aspect of the fox itself. This power is also different in that animal metsi effects are only applicable on the metsi himself, not on someone else, but Rince’s  does affect others. Also, his explanation is for the reader’s benefit and not the story, there is no gain for Rince in telling the others exactly how his powers work; now that people know they can figure out his weaknesses.

Jhuz is supposed to be a high ranking officer, but he doesn’t act like one. He shouldn’t be glad Rince reprimanded the bee-metsi, he shouldn’t think that because Rince did it the reprimand was valid. Jhuz is their superior, he doesn’t need excuses or proxies.

I’m not a fan of war councils, instead of people talking about how they’ll do battle in the coming chapter(s) I’d rather see the battle. Also, an hour to have both the war council with all the troop leaders and array the troops afterward before the battle begins is very short, too short perhaps. They should be setting up right away and prepare for advance troops to harry their lines and probe for weaknesses, not talk about how they’ll set up. 

Reading Excuses / Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« on: August 17, 2011, 02:24:48 PM »
Sorry about being late, I meant to do this far sooner.

Rape scenes are hard to write, so I also don’t fault you for not writing it, however what you’re saying in the synopsis is that no rape actually took place yet – the characters were just in time to stop it from happening, leaving the prisoner unscathed. So maybe I’m getting this wrong, but you’re not actually writing a rape scene or even the lead in if the scenes are told from Jhuz’s perspective. Also, if the two would-be rapists are very drunk, would the guards believe that such drunk men were sent to rough up the prisoner for interrogation?
 My thinking is that if it’s hard to write emotionally the scene will be just that more powerful to read. If you’re really set against a rape maybe the story doesn’t need it to continue – a severe beating or torture might suffice, if that produces the same end result. But if the rape is necessary I’d advise you to try and write it anyway, no matter how hard. And if you doubt the validity of the scene because you’re not comfortable with it, let us read it, since it won’t have the same baggage for us as for you writing it.

There are many alternatives too, such as having Jhuz show up when the rape is done or nearly done, that way the characters can quickly deal with the rapists and you can write the prisoner’s aftermath – beaten, her clothes ripped to shreds, edging as far away from anyone who approaches her. That can be a strong scene too.

In comparison the rest of the chapter feels dull compared to what could have been a very powerful start. That’s not to say it’s a bad chapter, because it isn’t. The prisoner isn’t actually raped so there isn’t that much emotional investment for the reader. Jhuz and Zaisha also go back to the normal affairs of the army rather than face any emotional turmoil.

The rest of the chapter doesn’t give us anything really new and when Jhuz walks to the flyer’s camp, while interesting to learn about the flyers, I’d rather see more of the things you’re telling us in that segment. Flyers are ridiculed for wearing trousers, but I can’t remember ever having heard someone in the army say something like that. Similarly, you tell us how air battles are fought, but I’d rather see it – perhaps by seeing flyers spar with land-based troops or amongst each other.

I found the term ‘airman’ incongruous compared to the other titles the troops in the army have, such as priori, metsi, Decurion, and the others, though I know Jhuz is the Standard and I don’t mind that. Maybe I just got used to Standard when there weren't that many other terms around, but now I just feel that airman is strange.

Chaos really hit most of my points right on the money, so I won’t rehash them all. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I didn’t really enjoy most of what I read. Most of the chapters is you telling the reader about Serra and the setting. The start was good, with the first sentence of her burying her father. It’s a strong introduction to her character, immediately creating a good ground for conflict now that her old life is gone. Unfortunately you don’t do much with it, I don’t feel much connected with Serra. Yes, she’s sad, yes, she’s alone, big deal.

Part of the way she tries to cope is by not thinking about her father, so she focuses on her surroundings instead. This to me feels like an excuse for you as the writer to info dump about the setting. And throughout the chapter you give out a lot of information, but nothing else actually happens at all.

I don’t like her way of talking to herself much, it feels stilted, with sentences like “Hello Serra. Hello, myself. My, those trees look...uh, putrid.”

I don’t see enough justification for her to go into the Aberrant lands and I don’t know enough about those lands yet either to buy that she’s panicking the first time you mention she’s panicking.  You’re telling us how she feels instead of showing the reason. She handled her father’s death a lot better than some rotting plants. Later you tell us it’s because the Aberrant Lands cause panic, but again, it’s you telling us and not showing.

When within the Aberrant lands if she feels like she’s being watched she wouldn’t start talking more, she’d go quiet, looking for a place to hide. Isn’t she supposed to be a young child? Her father told her a lot of things that don’t fit with what you’d tell a young child, she also knows things that you present to us through her viewpoint but which don’t make sense for her to know, such as the prayer comment.

Writing wise, aside from the massive info-dumps, Serra’s stilted speech, and being repetitive in what’s going on, the big problem is that you create distance between the reader and Serra by using a lot of passive words. I counted a hundred instances of ‘had’, which is just far too many for only 17 pages. A lot of them can be scratched right away without changing the rest of the sentence in order to make it feel more immediate.

You also use the word ‘then’ a lot, especially in the prologue. And then she did this, and then she did that, and then she went on to do something else, and then etc. In chapter one you do the same only with ‘still’, she still did this and she still did that, she was still sad and so on.

On the whole the prologue and the first chapter are bigger than they need to be. Given the first chapter the prologue is mostly unnecessary, there’s nothing in the prologue that the first chapter doesn’t cover and vice-versa. By the end of chapter one I caught myself skimming instead of reading; this morning, that night, this morning, the previous day, that night, bla, bla, bla, she’s still walking, bla, bla, and so forth. Nothing happens but her walking and being overloaded with setting information. I’ll grant you the setting can be interesting, but not in the way you present it. Serra comes across as an excuse for you to expound on the Aberrant Lands you thought up, she doesn’t have conflicts, she doesn’t have a problem since she’s getting through the Aberrant Lands just fine. Even before the prologue was finished I stopped caring about Serra, wishing her to get eaten or something so at least something happened.

Reading Excuses / Re: August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9
« on: August 16, 2011, 03:50:25 PM »
I think this is the first time we get Rook-Sha’s perspective on things. My first inclination is that I like it. It still doesn’t explain why she took an interest in him or why Albione is important to the temple, as two of his superiors once suggested. When Rook-Sha says they’ll take advanced measures I expected her to say extreme measures – advanced suggests some stronger doctrines or the like, some hidden techniques? At least Albione’s leisurely way of dealing with his doubts is likely to end soon when Eld or Rook-Sha acts.

I’m missing a proper foundation for Rane’s character. The first scene is the first time we learn Albione has a sparring partner and immediately in the next scene Albione goes to him. His sparring partner seems kind of important in Albione’s life, so Albione should have thought about him before, even just in passing, so we’ll already feel like we know this character and can more easily sympathize with them. I also thought the same thing with Aetherial, this life-long friend who is introduced right out of the blue. Both were shown so briefly it’s like they were afterthoughts.

Albione’s faith, or lack of it, takes an interesting turn. Like Albione I was wondering what was going on, the fact he didn’t use his beads seems like an excuse, something to assure himself in the light of this failure. I haven’t felt this concerned for Albione for several chapters, great job.

Even more interesting, it seems power (any power) has to be channelled through a holy item to make it holy, otherwise it’s something else. So, the power of the priests, their magic, is something else and artefacts make it holy. So, what is this something else?

I’m brought to question Albione’s age again. All the priests calling him child, Pate’s comment of “Surely you understand, even at your age.” Yet he fought with a warhammer on the walls in defence of the city. I thought he was an adult, am I wrong?

Pate really doesn’t know what to do with Albione, he’s about to sentence him to the same type of punishment as last time when that didn’t work either. The problem is that what the priests believe is a vastly simplified worldview. There is Valor and there is everything else, even things that are also courageous are instead called cowardice. The world doesn’t work that way, anyone who thinks on it should see it. That’s what makes this religion so unbelievable to me. Pate says the religion is losing favour, this does not surprise me. That also explains some of Albione’s importance, he’s a link to the nobles, but his brother is Rook-sha’s guard, so there’s still a noble connection.

Again Albione is being sent away, for all the good that will do. He’s going to be someone else’s problem, which, for Pate and Rook-sha doesn’t seem very courageous does it? They’re basically saying they can’t handle it, please let someone else solve the problem.

Reading Excuses / Re: 2011 Aug 15 - cjhuitt - Second Son
« on: August 16, 2011, 02:38:04 PM »
The chapter flows well,  but I worry that we’re now three chapters in and nothing has really happened yet other than two of the three characters are going to move to the location of the other main character. In this chapter we have a third perspective to follow, after hardly getting to know the previous two. I’m still looking for a hook to a greater story line, but so far I’m not seeing it yet. This chapter, like the previous two is a setup for a POV character, but not of the greater story and that’s what I’m missing most.

For most of the chapter Beatrus takes care of the house, of which you paint a pretty picture. I also get a good sense of her personality, which is good. But on the whole housekeeping is not interesting to read about and it’s not until the last part, when her father’s scheme is hatched, that I’m starting to get a little bit interested.  But it doesn’t surprise me at all that she’s also being sent to Zandras.

So far your story is not without likeable characters, Miki, Sancha and now Beatrus, but it’s like we’re getting the character far before their story-lines actually begin. Instead of in late, out early, we’re starting way early. They don’t really have any conflicts or problems yet either, big or small.

Sancha’s big concern is getting a mission, which she gets in the same chapter when she’s sent to Zandras. Beatrus fantasizes about getting a good husband, and though she worries briefly about being married off to a baron this doesn’t last long. She’s going to marry a prince; is there a better husband imaginable? I don’t know what Miki wants, but he’s happy where he is too.  There’s nothing here to hook me to them yet, it’s all so peaceful. It feels like the story isn’t going to start until everyone is in Zandras. If that’s so, maybe the story should have started there.

So we had another setup chapter. I hope the next one will go deeper into the main plot (whatever it is), or introduce some clear conflicts/problems for the main characters, but I fear the next time we see Beatrus or Sancha that we’ll simply be introduced to their first steps in Zandras and settling in. 

Reading Excuses / Re: 2011 Jul 18 - cjhuitt - Second Son Chapter 2
« on: August 16, 2011, 02:36:09 PM »
Like the last chapter this one wasn’t bad, it certainly jumped out at me a little more than Miki’s, since instead of a tutor yapping Sancha is actively trying to accomplish something and she does that rather well considering. On the other hand this is a training session, which becomes clear pretty fast and is a set up to send her to a different kingdom, in this case Zandras, Miki’s kingdom.

I didn’t know what she was trying to accomplish when she was flirting, I guess I’d like to know her goal beforehand so I cheer for her when she gets closer to achieving it and worry if she makes the wrong move. Right now all I knew was that she was running a seduction, but not why, which didn’t make me feel as involved with her plot.

I wonder at Sancha’s insistence that she is ready for a real mission. Not that she wants one, I can understand that readily enough, but for a spy there should be a strict training. She did well in three practice rounds, but if all practice rounds are like this than all participants are acting; Sancha’s not really convincing anyone, since everyone knows it’s not real. It seems to me that this kind of espionage training is for novices and the next step would be to trick unsuspecting minor people for simple objectives.

Reading Excuses / Re: 8/15/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2
« on: August 16, 2011, 10:21:55 AM »
I really liked this chapter  and was really drawn in. There were some places where you overuse the comma, such as the sentence “He had thought with the treaty’s negotiations, the Devans would have cleaned the battlefield more thoroughly”. The pause the comma introduces doesn’t feel natural.

Tavaris is an interesting character for a priestly acolyte, not wanting to become a priest because he has faith but because of a woman. He also seems to tolerate the idea of a god (“God was one thing”) and likes hearing about god only a little more than Cerebrance or reincarnation. That’s turning the aspiring priest role on its head. His personality too was consistent, unlike Medora’s in the previous chapter, and easy to sympathize with.

Renn’s behaviour before and after Tavaris entered the main cathedral seem at odds with each other. First he threatens Tavaris not to enter the cathedral, then afterward he acknowledges him and hopes he succeeds.

Elmaric’s first paragraph feel contradictory to me, first he feels the battlefield isn’t cleaned enough and then he thinks the cleaning was a ‘fantastic job’. He doesn’t like the Devans and that earns them his scorn and afterward he knows they don’t deserve his derision, but it still feels odd to read the shift so suddenly.

Personally I don’t mind the flashback to Tavaris’s previous life, since it was interesting and the fact that people remember previous lives and are judged by them is a key point in the setting. Since you’ve stressed this fact in both this chapter and the previous having the flashback doesn’t feel out of place, at least to me.

Well, I’m sorry to say that for most of the chapter I was pretty confused, which tainted my reading experience a lot. I think your setting, such that I read of it, can be an interesting one and so could your main characters. But, with both their perspectives in the first chapter I didn’t really get to know and sympathize with either one before the other got a shot at point of view. The first sentence also worked for me by grabbing the reader’s attention as one of the main character gets a good dressing down.

The next paragraph is where the problems begin. I had to read it a couple of times before I got what you were saying. In the second sentence of the paragraph you’re describing the room by saying  a room is a space enclosed by walls, which should be obvious since it’s a room and that’s generally what the word means. Also it’s not ‘the walls of the room was’ but ‘the walls of the room were’, since the verb works on walls, which is plural. Third sentence you shift tenses from past to present. The fourth sentence feels very slow since ‘the figure’ started to curse and start the process of getting up.

For most of the first page I’m missing a perspective to follow. At first I thought you were doing a third person omniscient viewpoint, but that’s not the case. Here is the root of much of my confusion, your writing is very vague.

Take this sentence for instance: “Urgh, what’s the time?” the newly awoken female asked.

The newly awoken female is the POV character in this scene. The POV character would not think of herself as the ‘newly awoken female’. We don’t even get to know her name until another character finally speaks it.

Then there’s the sentence: “Responding to this name, the woman called Aliya flicked one of her hands towards the other woman’s head...”, you can easily to without the ‘responding to this name’ and start the sentence with ‘Aliya flicked one of her hands...’, since we get that the unknown POV character is talking to Aliya. Also, ‘the other woman’s head’ is again the POV character. When you’re in someone’s perspective everyone else is an ‘other’, not yourself, yet you do that here. It made me confused about who’s who and whose perspective we’re actually in.
When we actually get to learn the POV character’s name you do a “Maid-and-Butler”. Both characters already know what they’re talking about, but the reader doesn’t. This is a common way to hide an info-dump in a conversation, but it’s a clunky one and should be avoided. As is the last part of the Damaris’s first scene.

You have a thing where you don’t use a name to attribute characters until one of the other characters in the scene says the name of that character, you did it with ‘the figure’ until Aliya called her Damaris, you did this with ‘the woman’ until Damaris called her Aliya, and then with ‘a voice’ until Damaris called the voice mother. It’s okay to say ‘her mother bellowed’. You are being unnecessarily vague.

I found the setting interesting, everyone living underground. Limited space, so it makes sense that some get the worse of housing arrangements. But then Damaris climbs to the surface where she goes to the temple, also on the surface? Why don’t the men live on the surface then? There’s plenty of room there.

When you get to Kaethe’s part you are quicker to mention her name, but it’s still clunky. Especially the sentence: “Her cobalt eyes, searching the sombre chamber, fell upon her priest documents stating that she, Kaethe, had to abide by temple laws.” Better to say that Kaethe entered the room instead of saying a young woman entered the room and then by some roundabout way say that her name is Kaethe and that she’s now the POV character.

Bethea talks odd, first it’s ‘Lady’, the it’s ‘child’, then ‘miss’. It’s not consistent. When she first calls for Kaethe to wake up I thought she was a child or at least a young maid from the way she spoke.

More maid-and-butler talk, ‘you know I don’t trust people near me in the mornings’. But it’s only in the mornings though, since later on she walks through a throng of people without a thought for assassins.

‘Egad’, really? Fragrant language, really?!

I found Kaethe’s and Damaris’s interaction odd, the way Damaris is so cold and monotonous is a stark contrast to her earlier POV. I don’t think we know enough of the setting to explain away such behaviour. Isn’t being a Bulwark an honourable position? And Kaethe’s the only priest POV we’ve seen and she’s nice enough.

Also in Kaethe’s perspective we get to see Bethea again. Here’s your vagueness coming up again; Kaethe knows Bethea, she’d think of her as such instead of ‘young woman in servant’s garb’.

The conversation between Kamili and Kaethe reads a bit stilted to me. As is that between Damaris and the other Bulwark. It’s all background information. That’s most of the conversations I’ve read in this chapter actually come to think of it.

I want to understand your setting more, though by being shown instead of told. Everyone lives underground except the temple. That’s what I got from the first part. So where does the meat and the fruit all come from. Do I misunderstand, do they live above ground too, but then why does the majority live underground?

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 12