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Messages - spejoku

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Well, I'm guessing that after the Pain arc is over, the rest of the series will focus on Madara and Sasuke, and the final battle in the entire thing will be Naruto vs Sasuke, with the FATE OF THE NINJA WORLD AT STAKE.

I bet Madara kills Nagato, though.

Reading Excuses / Re: Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 13, 2009, 12:02:10 AM »
Technically, devil may cry is an action game.  No, the series I'm talking about is the Persona series, specifically Persona 3 and 4 (it almost completely rips off P3.)  I've only ever played P4, but it's awesome enough. <--- the wikipedia page.

Anyway, when I made this part I was still unsure of wether or not just a short story would satisfy my story hankerin', so I blame that for pacing problems.  Thanks for liking the bizarre, cause this story is gonna have a LOT in it.  my villain is fun to think of  ;D

Reading Excuses / Re: Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 06, 2009, 06:31:07 AM »
oh, sorry for any misunderstanding.  I'll most likely cut all the monsters and the fighting, but I still can't think of something good that keeps Anise and Thomas talking.  Probably just commenting on the situation, I don't know.  Thomas would panic and Anise would try to raid the vending machines, probably. 

It'll probably just end up in a discussion on why they think time stopped.  And Anise wondering how the whole stopping thing works (why does it suddenly move if I'm touching it?  Would water freeze in midair?  Here, try shaking this soda and let's see what happens!) I'm not quite sure how to do it, though.

Reading Excuses / Re: Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 06, 2009, 05:10:57 AM »
...the thing is, the MC and Anise aren't the only people who can move.  eventually the villain(s) realize what they can do and start killing people they can find who can use the time stop so they have it to themselves.  and this whole thing just seems to be localized in the city.

The time stop only happens at exactly midnight on some nights, and the main characters don't know which night.  it usually needs some sort of trigger to stop, though (someone dying or the villains giving up or something).  Since the police can't catch the villains, the MCs need to find a way to trap them or something.

This is a magical effect, rather than scientific.  It could be that the world stops every night, but only those sensitive enough can remain mobile during the stop, and the city itself amplifies that sensitivity.    Those people would or could develop abilities, but I should probably rework them.  they'd work better in a comic anyway, how they are. (clairvoyance would be nice, but kind of cheap as well... hmm.)

I repeat, this is an unnatural phenomenon.  No one can control when it happens.  Thomas and Anise and the other MCs can only use the Witching Hour, not create it.

The shadows are up for debate.  I think eventually they'll pop up.  just later.

Reading Excuses / Re: Spejoku's Nightlife
« on: January 06, 2009, 04:58:25 AM »
That's good to know.  thanks!

Reading Excuses / Re: Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 05, 2009, 11:19:38 PM »
I realize this forum's knowledge of (awesome) jrpgs is deficient.  This is not based on x-men.  at all. 

Anyway, I have lots of problems with pacing.  in general, I find pacing hard.  if every chapter needs a certain number of plot points in it, I'm not sure how many should be in this chapter.  This chapter needs to introduce the time stop thing and Anise, and that's pretty much it. 

the shadows and Thomas' abilities are secondary, probably better off delayed.  The time stop thing would confuse Thomas enough to send him wandering through the airport, but I'm not quite sure what dramatic thing would make it more interesting than "oh hey, time just stopped.  that's weird."  The time stop needs to be established here, and Thomas needs to meet with Anise, to establish that some people can move during the phenomenon and some people can't.  and that's pretty much it.

Oh, Thomas isn't causing the time stop.  it's something else.

any tips?

Reading Excuses / Re: Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 05, 2009, 08:45:56 PM »
hmm.  I need to figure out how to get the abilities in later, then.  my planned second part after this is slow, where he meets some of the other main characters.  was it obvious that time had sort of paused?  Because only during that sort of limbo time is when they can use their abilities. 

I agree, Anise is a little flat here.  But he's thrown in with her and things are sort of rushed in both their minds.  I'll take out her number bit and add some more rational stuff.  I like to think of the pov character as the narrator, so it's essentially first person in third.  I don't think there's enough confusion about just what the monsters are, so that's probably where the confusion over whether or not they can be hurt (in retrospect, Anise is attacking one, so I'm not quite sure where the doubt came from.)  Thomas is also very precise in the way he sees things, so that comes through to the narrator.  I guess I'll overdescribe maybe the mask thing (because it comes to play later), not mention anything else about it, keep his ability from popping up (the light guy), and have them escape by waiting the time thing out. 

Thomas writes things off because he doesnt want to accept them, so sorry if his denial isn't that clear.  Maybe I should have him get a cut and try to ignore it or something.

and "gibbered" is a word.  I looked it up.

Reading Excuses / Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 05, 2009, 04:21:21 PM »
Okay, tear it apart!  Bonus points if you can name my idea source.

Reading Excuses / Re: Spejoku's Nightlife
« on: January 05, 2009, 04:07:56 PM »
Thanks a lot.  I do need to figure out better moves for them to have, as kicks are kind of jarring.  but biting seems kind of plain...  Anyway, I'll probably do it that Caleb pushes Jared off the escape, shifts, then runs down the fire escape and catches him before he hits the ground.  that'd probably be better.  If I want to make it sort of timeless, though, I'll have to take out the song.  oh well.

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 01, 2009, 07:49:23 PM »
Then I wanna submit this week then, and all I got are some mutilated stick figures.  Is that okay?

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: December 30, 2008, 05:03:05 PM »
so what do we do to sign up and when do we need to sign up by? (I'm guessing thursday)

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: December 30, 2008, 05:30:22 AM »
sorry to interrupt, but what did we decide for the submission things? twice a month or on a saturday you sign up for?

Reading Excuses / Re: Spejoku's Nightlife
« on: December 19, 2008, 05:49:04 AM »
Hmm.  Well, Caleb's character would have him say something and contradict it in the next moment.  He does most of this stuff to have fun.  You shouldn't really believe everything Caleb says, he jokes around a little too much.  The official explanation for why Caleb doesn't blow their cover is that the only way to notice them (via the magical creature shroud) shifted is to force them to notice you, either by attacking them or shifting in front of them.  As Caleb says, the longer you spend in wolf form, the bigger you get.  Also, he neglected to mention there is also a whole aging slowdown.  Jared's dad has years of wolf form under his belt.  If it weren't for his Talent (like Jared's fear smelling, Caleb's reflexes)  He most likely would be about the size of a semi truck.  (and no I won't tell you what the talent is.  you'll just have to read.)  Although, I probably need to put a size limit or something.  Maybe I'll just say that after a while, all of jared's family moves out to some rural town of their choice. 

aaand yeah most of the reveals are setting based.  That's why I have to rework my next few chapters to get rid of the (hmmm, around five) FIVE info dumps about the setting. 

This is Jared's second time shifting ever.  the first was on the night of his birthday, when he is forced into shifting (there's a forced shifting ritual that they perform on every birthday.  It kinda became a tradition, like blowing out the candles.  only with magic rituals)  Jared shifts long enough to panic and for his dad to talk to him about why they can shift (suffice to say, it's cause they were born with it).  Jared's blind panic blocked him from going through hearing and smell then.

Also, they do look canine, but their bone structure is... weird.  I describe what they look like when Jared first shifts (it'd just be awkward here) but the way I think about it is that they have a weird meld of human and wolf bones.  or they constantly (and subconciously) shift their bones back and forth.  They have five toes to their paws, which they can move a little, but not enough to grab things.  Their torso and spine is kinda more squat, closer to human porportions.  that way, Caleb can do his freaky twisty moves.

As for how they can talk, I'm going to leave that to the "it's magic" explanation.  (if you really want something, then what happens is that somehow their thoughts get turned into words in the air and they don't even need to move their mouths to talk.  but whatever.)

As for Trohs' fear of them getting away, yes it's more than just a territorial dispute, but I'm gonna call a RAFO on that.

speaking of twistyness, I got some (if not most) of my ideas for how Caleb moves from (it's a webcomic, but your guess is as good as mine what some of those attacks mean.  oh, and there's some language). 

Brandon Sanderson / Re: WOT Help
« on: December 18, 2008, 05:34:24 AM »
It's interesting to see how Rand changes throughout the novels, and how Mat and Perrin start developing their own abilities.  Warning though, in TDR, Rand appears maybe 3 or 4 times through the novel, with his POVs being about 3 pages each (except for the long one at the beginning, I think)

I found it easiest to have the sequel close at hand.  it helps cement the story together if you finish a previous book and move on to the next without a break between them.

Reading Excuses / Re: Dec 15 - Queen'sOpal - Part 1
« on: December 18, 2008, 05:26:40 AM »
This is very good, but I do have a couple of things that made me pause.

The wizard council in the prologue just stops existing when Garrad and Vernack start talking to each other.  Do they know about Dragonets or no?  Also, I think that when Garrad sucks the life out of the elves it's a bit clunky.  A better image (in my opinion) would be showing the elves' skin start withering or something like that and Vernack feel the power flowing into him.  It leaves the whole life stealing thing without saying "he drained their life". 

Also, I don't really like Drynn.  he seems too whiny to me, but I have issues with drow and elves even being in the story.  (You could even rename the Drow if they look more demonic.  Elves with white hair and black skin seem kinda tame for being possessed by demons) Anyway, I play D&D too, so I understand the desire to put them in.  Anyway, I feel like I'm being told about Drynn without being in his head.   It seems too telly to me.  And he gets over stuff too quick.  If you put in a line about him just glancing over his mother's death in disbelief or something like that (and have him mentally refer to in the present tense) it would come across as a bit more sincere.

But seriously, this is one of the best traditional fantasies I've read in a long time.  Keep it up, and watch out for those "asked" and "reported"s  :)

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